You must be at least this tall to go on this ride

* So here it is an article about sex, written by someone who knew (and still knows) fuck all about the subject. The only thing really notable about the article is that I wrote it while standing at an internet terminal in Florida, which was sort of awesome since I'm sure I broke at least one public decency law by doing that.

Oh God, not again. Last time I tried writing something about sex I ended up breaking my cardinal rule, insult myself at least twice as much as I insult anyone else. In my last look at sex I broke that rule and bad things happened to me. Okay I caused bad things to happen to myself out of guilt but still.

Frankly I was not planning on taking part in this issue's sexual supplement, or whatever cheesy name the remaining Phoenix editors have given to it, but as I was looking through a book on Herbert Hoover I just couldn't get my mind off of sex. Plus, writing about sex in a public library, in the Deep South of the US seems a bit adventurous. This may be a hangin' offense here.

Not only that I voted NDP last time. My God I'll be lucky to be out of here alive.

But on to sex.

There are many types of sex; sex between a man and a woman is the most common. That is not to snub other sexual activities like sex between two men or two women or a woman a man and a wombat. Frankly there are so many sexual combinations that are probably great fun that I just don't have the time to list them here.

I can not really recommend any of these being myself a virgin. In fact the only sort I can personally attest to being enjoyable is the man and hand version. But it makes you blind which is why I am making so many spelling mistakes.

Actually it doesn't make you blind or else it would be a question on the ICBC form.

"Okay sir you drive the Colt to work and school. Good now do you masturbate? You do? Well that's an extra thousand."

Frankly I am not proud of it. Nor am I ashamed of it. I suppose it would be a bit weird if I were proud of it. You know the guys from the football team get together and talk about their latest conquests and then there is me.

"Well you know that hot little red head who sits at the front row of all the games? Well I scored her sister. She's even in high school. Cool, hey? How about you Jeff?"

"Well boys you know that tall dark haired girl from our Elementary Screen Writing Class?"

"You scored her! Wow you are a stud."

"Not exactly. Actually I just imagined her naked and played with myself."

Anyone who has not lost their lunch at this point please raise their hands. Okay there are a few hardy souls ready to continue.

However although I generally do not engage in conversations like those with people I am not ashamed of it. Well I mean I'd be much happier if I did not have to and I had a girlfriend to take my hand's place, but you know.

The odd and strange thing is I'm not particularly interested in sex with women. No nor am I interested in it with men or wombats either. The thing is as much as I've whined this year in the Phoenix about not having a girlfriend it has never been because I want a sexual partner.

Frankly I don't mind not having sex for a long time, I'm a virgin and I'm in college I'm used to waiting. I've always been more interested in the relationship thing like going to films and holding hands and buying flowers, you know the nice safe 50s TV version of a relationship, than getting hot and heavy in the back of my Dodge Colt.

That of course is a wonderful line. You know the sensitive paper guy, "Oh no I don't care about sex. Let's wait for years and years until I meet your mother and we're married happily." Frankly I suppose it would be but I find women are more interested in sex than men. Or at least more interested than I am.

Seriously. This girl who I've been writing about all year, who for my safety I'll refer only to only as Murdoch, asked me once if I thought she was sexy. I was seriously blown away. She explained that she always wanted guys to think she was sexy.

See here is where I was going wrong, I had been trying to get her to love me in that nice 50s' sort of way because I thought that was who she was. Plus really despite the vulgar words in the Phoenix that's who I really am. But all along she wanted some sort of freak biker who just talked about her breasts and how much he'd like to shag her. Okay maybe I'm overstating that a bit. He'd also have to be a Christian and probably it would help if he went to her church, but still...

So did I have any particular points that I would like to make about sex?

I really can't. I mean I can't suggest positions or techniques to you.

Nor can I give you guys a guide to seducing women. (Women follow my time-honored advice and remove your clothes. If that fails remove your clothes and bake.). Frankly sex is a lot like a roller coaster, sticking to my Disney theme, it looks fun but I'm not tall enough to get on yet. (Actually I am tall enough for roller coasters I'm just a coward).