Pigs don't watch PBS

We’ve been working on exploding the myth for sometime. Dynamite is our breakfast cereal. Nitroglycerin is our milk. Some days gasoline is our coffee. Not to day of course. There are just some things you don’t do on the Sabbath. We’re ready though, we’ve been ready for sometime. We’ve developed intricate codes and phrases to fool the people listening in on us from the ceiling. For example when I say, “It’s a sunny day out, we should go for a walk.” I actually mean, “It’s raining outside, we should rent a video.”

Things like that mess with their minds. Makes them toss and turn at night. Their operatives don’t know what to think. One day we’ll show up at their house with a bag of fertilizer and tapes of David Bryne’s solo albums to cover the noise. It will, of course, be a terrific noise.

When I was young I used to think we could do this all without sacrificing a few lives. I couldn’t understand Stalin’s claim that to make an omelet you had to break a few eggs. I thought, “You could always buy synthetic eggs. Or like at McDonald’s use liquid egg.” Still as I’ve grown in age and experience I’ve learned there’s nothing like a real egg frying on the stove. It’ll make the papers easier. Nobody cares about soy-eggs or liquid eggs. They do care about 100% original chicken shat egg. That’s when the CBC starts recording.

Speaking about this on such a public forum as PBS makes me a bit nervous. Except of course we all know the pigs don’t watch public television. The telethons scare them too badly. They don’t understand Red Dwarf. That’s why we will win. We have humor and clever British wordplay on our side. They have the XFL and Dolly Parton’s breasts on theirs. It will be a magnificent battle, but after all is said and done the Plains of Abraham will be ours.

Don’t look out the window wearing a stupid hat; they’re watching. Don’t leave subversive literature out on your breakfast table; they have cameras in our houses. Don’t run around naked in the moonlight anymore; you’re not well endowed enough to pull it off.

Be careful. This last phase is vital. Without we’ll all be working in a prison library sorting car magazines and spending our nights as bitches to Snoop Doggy Dog’s backup band. Well must prevail. Otherwise the word is going to be black and white for a long time. We need to introduce Technicolor.