Are you in love with your Valentine? With the help of the Orson Welles Love Quiz you can no know for sure if it’s true love, or just a case of stage fright.
1. When you look deep into his/her eyes you think:
a) I want to look into these eyes everyday for the rest of my life.
b) I can see myself.
c) I wonder if there’s anything going on in there.
d) I wonder if she’d notice if I took a quick peek down her shirt.
2. You think of your Valentine most often when you’re:
a) Making plans for your future.
c) Watching porn and wondering if they’d submit to wearing a French Maid’s costume and let you pretend to come over and play plumber.
d) Having sex with his/her brother.
3. When you’ve been separated from your Valentine for a period of time the first thing you want to do when you reunite is:
a) Hug and kiss them.
b) Talk to him/her at length about Bolivian politics.
c) Play plumber.
d) Have them cook.
4. As a couple you typical date consists of:
a) Going for a romantic dinner and then to a movie.
b) Having a home cooked meal and then watching a classic black and white film and snuggling on the couch.
c) Going to see the Kelowna Rockets play and then out for beer.
d) To Adult’s Only Video, then home so you can go to bed while he/she (but honestly probably a he) masturbates to someone from Denmark.
5. Your friends see you two as:
a) The perfect couple.
b) A lot like their parents, before the knife incident.
c) As candidates for Jerry Springer.
d) As little as possible.
6. As a couple your song is:
a) Sarah McLachlan’s “Angel”
b) U2’s “All I Want Is You”
c) The Barenaked Ladies’ “If I Had A Million Dollars”
d) Tom Green’s “Bum Bum Song”
7. When you think of him/her you get a strange feeling in your:
8. The most romantic think he/she has ever said to you is:
a) I love you so much that I can’t imagine what I’d do without you.
b) I love you almost as much as I love my mom. But I haven’t slept in my mom’s bed in like two years, so maybe I love you more.
c) I couldn’t live without your cooking.
d) I find I watch less pornography when you’re around.
9. The most romantic thing he/she has done for you is:
a) Take you to a secluded weekend get away for wine, dancing and lovemaking.
b) Filled your room with roses and then drew you a warm bubble bath, and then…
c) Read their badly written love poetry to you.
d) Turned the volume down on their porn video while you were on the phone with your grandparents.
10. The most important part of your relationship is:
d) Alcohol induced.
11. You’re late for an appointment and your car won’t start. You telephone your Valentine who is at work and he/she:
a) Takes the rest of the day off of work to drive you on all your errands.
b) Sneaks out of the office to drive you to your appointment.
c) Tells you that you wouldn’t have all that trouble with your car if you learned how to shift properly.
d) When he/she realizes you didn’t call with to let him/her know that you were horny and looking for a fuck they pretend to be on the other line with an important customer calling long distance from Tokyo. They work at a 7-11.
12. What you love most about your Valentine is:
a) Their personality.
b) Their intellect and wit.
c) What ever they’re feeling self-conscious about at the moment.
d) That thing they do with their tongue when they’re… umm you know… eating noodles.
13. Your Valentine’s flaws are:
a) Cute and endearing.
b) Slightly annoying but possible to overlook.
c) Fucking annoying.
d) Hopefully legal reason to justify homicide.
14. When you see an attractive member of whatever sex you happen to be attracted to walking past you think:
a) He/She is obviously very beautiful, but I bet they’re not as caring as my sweetie.
b) I should tell my Valentine to work out more, and then they could have a figure as good as that.
c) Beauty is in the bed of the beholder… Eye! The eye of the beholder… bed… ha ha. What was I thinking? Bed, ha. Between my sweetie and my porn videos/vibration device I’m completely sexually satisfied… right?
d) Some lucky guy/girl gets him/her while I get lumpy.
15. When the subject of marriage comes up you:
a) Talk about it seriously.
b) Worry that it may ruin your relationship with each other.
c) Worry that it may ruin your relationship with his/her sister.
d) Fake being dead until the subject passes.
16. Which of these movies is most like your relationship:
a) Cats and Dogs: a meeting of the souls that proves that looks don’t matter as much as other things.
b) The English Patient: love comes before everything, even defeating the Nazis.
c) High Fideliy: while no relationship is perfect like in the movies, it is possible to find someone you care deeply about and who cares that much about you.
d) Evil Dead II (Dead By Dawn): sometimes no matter how much you love someone you have to cut them to small itty bitty pieces with a chain saw when they become possessed by evil zombies spirts.